"...They Cut Off My Legs, Now I'm An Amputee..."

Sex can sometimes be a pain in the...well, anywhere. And I don't mean that good kind of pain that we all know I love so much. No, I mean that kind that has you calling 9-1-1 and practically passing out. I want to be able to update this section with as many crazy sex-related injury stories as possible, so please please please, oh baby please, send stories in to add.

Dislocations:

1. "Prudie" sent this in about a younger co-worker of hers. Apparently, he dislocated his arm while trying to carry a girl over the threshold and into bed. Now, this story is way too tame as far as I am concerned, but she insisted that it was a good story because she felt that the girl should not have given the guy another chance after that. Luckily for the guy, she did. I think I would have given him another chance too...and probably hit the gym as well.
2. The night after their second (yet not final) breakup, a girl and a guy decided to hang out and try to keep things friendly. Friendly lead to really friendly and they ended up back at her place. Now, if you've never had post-breakup sex with your ex, you don't know what you are missing! For some reason, even if the sex was bad for a while before the breakup, it is amazing right after the breakup! These two people got so into it that the guy forgot to watch how hard he was thrusting or what positions he was moving her legs in. The girl forgot to not move in certain ways that she really wasn't allowed (post-hip replacement). Mid-mutual orgasm, the hip popped out. Screams of pleasure turned to screams of pain and she had to explain to the ER docs exactly what happened. To this day, she can't go to that ER without them commenting on that night.

Concussions

1. What is the worst part of managing dorm sex while you are in college? If you said roommates, you are absolutely...wrong! The worst part is those damned bunk beds! A girl in my dorm was sleeping with a guy down the hall. They were having a wonderful time (as we could hear) and the next thing we knew, he's asking "Are you ok? Do you need an ambulance? Let me get a flashlight." She had banged her head pretty badly on the upper bunk (they were using the lower bunk). Ouch!
2. Of course, you'd think that the top bunk would be safer. Well, lower bunk guy's roommate got pretty trashed one night and brought his practically floating girlfriend back to his room. They were getting it on in the top bunk (door wide open) when the sight of people in the hallway must have caught her eye. In the middle of things (girl on top), she looks up and then loses her balance, falling on the floor and taking him with her. You might get free tuition if a car hits you while you are crossing the street at the yellow crosswalks, but I doubt you get free room and board for falling off the top bunk during sex. Keep it classy Worcester 1 boys!

Sprains and Strains

1. Let's give a shout out to "Bald Spot" for sharing this not-quite-story. He said he'd add details after he sobers up today. Basically, his little "Bald Spot" got sprained during some intense thrusting. Whichever lady it was at the time was on top and pushed down too hard, causing it to bend. That's what made all of his hair fall out.
2. The va-jayjay can sprain too. Guys, you think it's funny when your girl is walking funny the next day, but she is really in a lot of pain. I'm going to get into a lot of trouble for telling this story, but oh well. A girl I know, who isn't the sharpest tack in the box, hurt herself by opening her legs waaaaay too far. The guy, also not the brightest bulb, kept pushing them further apart because he wanted to keep thrusting deeper. She apparently kept saying ouch and he apparently kept asking if it hurt. She, being the genius she is, said she was fine. The next day, she was in horrible horrible pain. As concerned friends, we asked what happened. She told us the story, so we asked why she didn't tell him the truth. She said that she knew sex was supposed to hurt, so she figured it was normal. We asked if it was her first time. It wasn't. She'd done it a whole lot of times before, without it ever hurting. She just figured they must not have been doing it right. On a side note, this girl is a brunette...just saying...

Dehydration

1. This one goes out to my former roommate, "Slutty Sarah". Half the girls on my hall had a thing for the same guy, we'll call him "Backwards Hat Guy". "Slutty Sarah" was one of the girls who had a thing for him. So, what did she do? The logical thing, of course. She decided to suck "Backwards Hat Guy's" roommate off right in front of him...because that would work, right? ::Rolls eyes:: Well, "Slutty Sarah" had been drinking and then she went down on the roommate 3 times that night. The next day, our other roommate and I get a call to come to the health center. "Slutty Sarah" was so dehydrated from the night before that she needed iv fluids. Even after that, she was still a bit unsteady on her feet and we had to help her back to the dorm. Keep it classy, Worcester 1 girls!

Mysteriously Appearing Bruises and Cuts

1. All of these stories are pretty much the same, so unless you have a hilarious one that sticks out, I'm going to lump these into one general storyline. Lotsa drinking, lotsa fucking, wake up the next morning sober and covered in cuts and bruises, but without any memory as to what may have caused them. The end.

Questions

None today. I have to go attempt to corrupt a crabby hermit...hehe.

Stay safe by wrapping yourself in BubbleWrap,

Evil Temptress

Sex Game #1

A conversation with "Activities Anonymous" has inspired me to write about sex games. No, I'm not trying to play any with him (he can be the cat...I'd rather be the mouse), but some good ideas came up that deserve at least a mention:

• "Drunken Naked Dizzy Bat Moon Bounce Slip-n-Slide Twister" - Much like I imagine this guy to be, that name is a mouthful. It is the combination of some less complex games, with safety precautions taken into account. Let's break down all the parts:
  
  -It all began with Twister, the game where multiple people twist and contort their bodies on the floor to get into different positions. Obviously, this game goes with nakedness like peanut butter goes with jelly, so then we had Naked Twister.
  
  -Naked Twister sounds like a perfectly fun game, but you play it on a giant plastic sheet, much like a Slip-n-Slide. Now, we don't want water to lubricate our sheet. We want SexTarts, KY, or your lube of choice. Hence, the dawning of the age of Naked Slip-n-Slide Twister.
  
  -Naked Slip-n-Slide Twister seems adventurous, but it might make you nervous. You made need a drink to loosen up. Of course, drinking is more effective when combined with dizzy bat, so we added bother to the game.
  
  -Now, Drunken Naked Slip-n-Slide Dizzy Bat Twister sounds fun, but completely dangerous. In order to protect yourself from harm, you'd need a crash mat or something else that would keep you from hitting the hard ground. While a crash mat is nice and soft, a moon bounce has motion. It would be almost like there wasn't gravity.
  
  -There you have it, Drunken Naked Dizzy Bat Moon Bounce Slip-n-Slide Twister...however, if you are klutzy or not very flexible, try sticking with the parts of this you know you can handle. You don't want any injuries...which brings us to the next post, so I'll be sure to post games from time to time, but we should move on. I don't want to confuse you with the details of too many games at once. The emergency rooms are already crowded enough...again, something that brings us to our next post...

"We Are the Champions, My Friend..."

Last night was a Shocktastic night at kickball! I'm pretty sure we won, but more importantly, the post-game conversation was hilarious (and informative). My head is still spinning with things that need to be written about. There is a very likely chance that I will forget some of the topics that were discussed, so feel free to comment and add.

Your Nuts
No, that wasn't supposed to be "you're". Somewhere towards the beginning of the conversation, we got onto the topic of nuts. While we girls knew that massaging a guy's balls is something he will find enjoyable, we did not know that the "tingle" originates there. We also didn't know that you could completely get a guy off that way, even without any penile contact. So, ladies, don't neglect the nuts.

Which Button Do I Press?
Guys, we think you are almost as great as the Rabbit, but you sometimes seem to need a roadmap to find your way to where you need to be. Once you get there, you still seem to need an instruction manual. So, here it is. There are two spots you are aiming for, the clit and the g-spot. Most women prefer one over the other, but we do like when you stimulate both. Pay attention to your woman's reactions. Moaning does NOT mean "that was good, so move on to the other spot". It means, "yes, keep doing that right there". Keep in mind that the g-spot can be hard to locate, but when you find it, your woman will tell you. Also, the clit can be very sensitive and many women can not handle you directly massaging it. For a woman with a very sensitive clit, that can be quite painful. Try going over the "lips".

Just a Trim
The guys all pretty much had the same thing to say about hair...they don't like when women are hairy down there, nor do they like when women are stubbly. Now, this poses a bit of a problem for women...trim, shave, or wax? If you can wax at home, go for it. If you can't, don't go somewhere to get it done. If you listen to the news, you recently heard that the wax at salons is full of disgusting bacteria. Think about it...they all dip the stick, smear it on, and then dip again, etc. That means bacteria from a whole lot of vags is going into that wax. Makes you want to just vomit, doesn't it? Instead, shave if your skin isn't too sensitive for it and if you can do it often enough that you won't be sanding him down with your stubble. Of course, if you have very sensitive skin, take a scissors and just trim it really close. It'll still be soft, instead of stubbly, but you won't look like you have a poodle down your pants.

As for what girls say about guys, it's mixed. Many girls do not like hairy guys, but some don't mind. Most girls prefer when a guy is at least manscaped on his back, chest, and stomach and trimmed down there. Some of us have just accepted that some guys are hairy beasts. Special mention goes out to "The Bald Spot", whose name apparently applies to two areas. Way to be talented with the Bic!

Stereotypes
"Jewish girls do not give head."
That one is complete bullshit. We do give head and we are quite talented at it. You can even ask "The Fertile One" if you don't believe me. He told a story about a blow job he got from a Jewish girl who was a-maz-ing. If anything, it'd be more accurate to say that Jewish girls don't swallow, but that still only applies to about 50%. Many do swallow. And, according to "Go Granny Go", it makes your hair shiney. (Apparently, I've been spending a lot of money on conditioner, when I could have been giving blow jobs for free.)

"Black guys are huge!"
Inappropriately, I texted "Ant" to ask if this is true. His response was, "Small dick has no color."

"Jewish guys are tiny!"
From experience, I can say that it varies. The shorter Jewish guys I've dated have had proportional "friends". The taller Jewish guys I've dated have had rather large "friends". I've noticed this same proportionality in various types of Christians as well. So, maybe the truth is that it really is all proportional. New rule of thumb..."If you want to feel it, but don't want to get hurt, fuck a guy of medium height."

Threesomes
The guys were all into the idea of two girls. They even said that they'd enjoy just being there watching two girls...even if they couldn't interact with them. The girls weren't completely opposed to the idea, but were very hesitant. Girls get jealous and girls hate feeling like they are being compared to someone else. That's just how we are. Props to "The Bald Spot" and "JDate Junkie" for sharing their "almost threesome" stories.

Buttmunch
A unanimous "Ewwwwwww!!!!!!!!!" However, according to "JDate Junkie", if someone uses cocaine and then poops, let his poop dry out for three days and then snort it. It'll make you high. That's fucking disgusting!!!!! If you are that desperate to get high, get to the Betty...NOW!!!

Red Hot Love
Period sex came up. It's messy. It's not recommended unless the guy is blind. It will gross him out and it will be a pain in the ass to clean up.

I'm Cumming, so Move Over
Guys, most girls do not like it when you pull out. The girls who do like it would appreciate it if you at least give them a heads up about it. It is fucking obnoxious to start pulling out without warning and then to get mad at the girl because she didn't know what you were trying to do. Most of us use the various methods of birth control so that you will not need to pull out.

Quiffing
I'm pretty sure I spelled that wrong, but basically, that thing that sometimes happens during the thrusting that sounds like a fart but isn't. It happens to everyone. Everyone blushes and finds it embarassing. It happens more often during doggy style. If it really embarasses you, turn on some loud music and encourage some spanking. Both sounds will drown out that other sound.

Question
At the moment, I can't remember what else we discussed. Instead of answering a question, please just comment on any of these topics.


Not your stereotypical Jewish girl,
Evil Temptress