The title is a stretch, but I'm in a very Soul Asylum mood, so just deal with it. Soul Asylum in 5 days! Woohoo!
However, this post is about the phone calls in the middle of the night. You know the ones I mean...BOOTY CALLS! Now, I will not try to speak from a male perspective here, so I am hoping that if any of the assumptions I make are incorrect, the male readers will chime in and correct me. Please, your brains are sometimes quite the unsolved mystery. I will discuss it from my point of view. If the females don't agree, well, maybe they should take a look at their own beliefs...and then trash them. In fact, I will break this down into a set of 4 easy-to-follow rules:
Rule 1: No false advertising.
Ladies, it's time to get out of your fantasy worlds. Don't tell the gentlemen that a booty call is ok with you if it's really not. And, if you believe that it means he likes you as more than just a piece of ass, then ask yourself why he is calling you at midnight to fuck, instead of calling you at a respectable time at least 24 hours in advance to ask for an actual date? Gentlemen, if you don't want the ladies to start reading "relationship" into the booty call, don't say anything that would lead them to think you have feelings for them. Case in point, four nights ago, at 11:30 pm, I got a call from a guy I've been on a few dates with (over the course of a few years...lol), looking to come over and hang out. I said no. Last night, he called at 9 pm and kept begging to come over because he "misses" me. He let a few weeks lapse after a date and now he suddenly misses me? He cancelled plans to go hiking last week, but he misses me? Hmm...sounds a bit suspicious. I'm not an idiot and I really do not appreciate people trying to mask their true intentions. I don't want a booty call that is disguised as feelings or as a date. My answer to that will always be "NO". If you're honest about just wanting to mess around, you at least have a chance. I don't want to think it is ok to feel something when it isn't. I'd rather know the truth. Gentlemen, keep this in mind. If you tell the truth, nobody gets hurt (or at least there is less chance of hurt). Ladies, just because he say he misses you doesn't mean he does. Take the time to stop and consider the facts. A guy who misses you would not be calling in the middle of the night...especially in the middle of the night in the middle of the week.
Rule 2: Keep different types of relationships separate.
Don't settle for a booty call with someone you have feelings for. That just leads to unhealthy attachment. Booty calls should be with platonic friends or people you really don't care about at all in any way. Dating should be reserved for people you actually have feelings for. Now, can one transition into the other? Sure..."dating" can become "booty calls" if both people realize they feel absolutely nothing for each other (and I stress that both people need to feel absolutely nothing). It is incredibly rare that it works in the opposite direction. Booty calls rarely become relationships. Think about it...if the person felt something for you, wouldn't that person want to date you and see how things progress? And, I suspect that those rare instances where a booty call becomes more are based more on lust than on emotions. The people get so wrapped up in the amazing sex that they think there is a real connection between them. After a while, they probably just realize it was all sex...nothing more...fun, but fleeting.
Rule 3: Keep it on your own terms.
It's called a "booty call", not a "beck and call". If you're not in the mood, there is no reason to do it. Sometimes, in real relationships, we have sex because our partners are really in the mood and we like to please them...and we like that they will return the favor when we are really in the mood and they are not. But, a booty call is not a real relationship. It's just a more interactive stand-in for your vibrator, your hand, your blow-up doll, or your dead hooker. There are no expectations and no strings attached. Don't cancel something in your real life for a fake experience.
Rule 4: Do not engage in booty calls with people you are not attracted to.
Booty calls are the perfect time to go out of your league...and not by fucking the person you used to say had "the boogie touch" when you were kids. Go fuck the hottie! Sure, this person might be vapid and share none of your beliefs and values, but you're not looking for anything real. You're just looking for something fun and meaningless. Actually, screwing the people you are attracted to, but could never imagine dating, is the perfect way to handle booty calls. Why? Because, if there is a person that you are attracted to and would definitely like to date, you don't want to waste that person on a booty call. That person is the relationship person. The sex god(dess) you want to fuck, but would rather pretend to be a deaf mute instead of engage in conversation with, is the booty call! Wham, bam, thank you ma'am/man!
That's really all I can think of for now.
Questions
-Are there any other booty call rules that should be obeyed at all costs?
-Please share any stories that have to do with anything mentioned in this post.
Call me later,
Evil Temptress
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
"Oh, Oh, Oh, It's Magic..."
I don't know if there is some mystical reason for it (because I never think to check my horoscope), but for some reason, May has always been a magical month for me...at least as far as relationships go. Good things always happen in May.
I found myself thinking about this on my way into work today, probably trying to cheer myself up about the start of another work week, when it hit me that I'd really like to write about this and other superstitions. I tend to be a bit superstitious, but I think that all people are in one way or another. For example, I have a lucky shirt. Why is it lucky? Because, I get lucky (or at least meet a new and interesting guy who I then start dating) every time I wear it. I fully believe this shirt is the root of all of my superpowers (just go with it)...and when I wear it in May, I am invincible! (Ok, maybe not invincible, but really good stuff does happen.)
I first noticed my May magic thirteen years ago. That's when I was dating "The Lizard King" (no, not Jim Morrison, but someone with an equally deep soul and eyes you could get lost in forever). Actually, now that I think about it, the fact that I reconnected with this person last week may be the reason that May magic is on my mind. He was my first love and my first, well, you know. He was also the first guy to scare me...not that it was his fault at all. Our first time, the condom broke. We got a new one and kept going. I wasn't freaked out until afterwards...when I thought about it...and then my monthly rude guest was late. I was scared beyond belief! It finally came 2 weeks late, but still coming off of the panic, I broke up with him. I have absolutely no idea why that seemed like a good idea at the time. I think that on some level I was afraid that would happen again, even though he had never pushed me into it and he kept asking if I was sure because he was concerned about it being my first time and all. Even love was not immune to my committment issues back then. Luckily, we did eventually get back together. We were together off and on for two years. Guess who kept getting scared and causing the "off" times. And, guess who eventually ended it altogether...although I will say that it was for good reason, even though I did still love him with all my heart...at least I think it was for good reason. Anyway...
Now, I could go through a description of every guy I've ever been with and tell about how all of the really good things happened in May, but you might just get angry at me for that. So, I'll reduce it to a top 10 list...well, top 10 list of everyone but "The Lizard King"...and in no particular order other than what comes to mind first:
1. "The Hobbit" - met him in May, started dating him in May, really really amazing sex starting in May...really a shame it took me a few years to realize that he was a major douche and that it would all be downhill from there
2. "The Priest" - (not really a priest) met him at the very end of May, he eventually proposed, it didn't work out though...all good though
3. "Efo Ha'Zayin? Ha Zayin Yarad" - (if you understand that, feel free to laugh) another one that started in May
4. "The Frat Boy" - second guy I slept with, really nice guy, led to an entire year of awesome fuck buddiness
5. "We Are..." - (can you guess where he went to school?) a simple date to a carnival in May led to years of messing around and then becoming fuck buddies...I was his "first" (and taught him well) and he became my favorite rebound guy
6. "Maryland ___" - (I'll leave out his actual name, but I'm just too lazy to think of a new nickname for a guy I've called this for ten years) first met and messed around in May, which led to him being my favorite fuck buddy ever!!!!! (Damn that guy was good!!!!)
Ya know, I think I'm going to cut the list off here. Screw ten! I'm getting bored with the trip down memory lane and I'm sure I put you all to sleep already. WAKE UP!!!!
Back to the point...I have no idea why May seems magical to me. I don't know if it's the return to summer or if I just end up in a much better mood, but for some reason, May is lucky for me...when it comes to relationships and sex. Now, I'm interested in hearing about other people's superstitions and lucky things.
Questions
-Is there a certain time, place, thing, etc. that you find lucky? Please tell the juicy details!
-Is there a certain time, place, thing, etc. that you find unlucky? Why?
-Do you think superstitions are just self-fulfilling prophecy or actual magic?
Hoping for May showers,
Evil Temptress
I found myself thinking about this on my way into work today, probably trying to cheer myself up about the start of another work week, when it hit me that I'd really like to write about this and other superstitions. I tend to be a bit superstitious, but I think that all people are in one way or another. For example, I have a lucky shirt. Why is it lucky? Because, I get lucky (or at least meet a new and interesting guy who I then start dating) every time I wear it. I fully believe this shirt is the root of all of my superpowers (just go with it)...and when I wear it in May, I am invincible! (Ok, maybe not invincible, but really good stuff does happen.)
I first noticed my May magic thirteen years ago. That's when I was dating "The Lizard King" (no, not Jim Morrison, but someone with an equally deep soul and eyes you could get lost in forever). Actually, now that I think about it, the fact that I reconnected with this person last week may be the reason that May magic is on my mind. He was my first love and my first, well, you know. He was also the first guy to scare me...not that it was his fault at all. Our first time, the condom broke. We got a new one and kept going. I wasn't freaked out until afterwards...when I thought about it...and then my monthly rude guest was late. I was scared beyond belief! It finally came 2 weeks late, but still coming off of the panic, I broke up with him. I have absolutely no idea why that seemed like a good idea at the time. I think that on some level I was afraid that would happen again, even though he had never pushed me into it and he kept asking if I was sure because he was concerned about it being my first time and all. Even love was not immune to my committment issues back then. Luckily, we did eventually get back together. We were together off and on for two years. Guess who kept getting scared and causing the "off" times. And, guess who eventually ended it altogether...although I will say that it was for good reason, even though I did still love him with all my heart...at least I think it was for good reason. Anyway...
Now, I could go through a description of every guy I've ever been with and tell about how all of the really good things happened in May, but you might just get angry at me for that. So, I'll reduce it to a top 10 list...well, top 10 list of everyone but "The Lizard King"...and in no particular order other than what comes to mind first:
1. "The Hobbit" - met him in May, started dating him in May, really really amazing sex starting in May...really a shame it took me a few years to realize that he was a major douche and that it would all be downhill from there
2. "The Priest" - (not really a priest) met him at the very end of May, he eventually proposed, it didn't work out though...all good though
3. "Efo Ha'Zayin? Ha Zayin Yarad" - (if you understand that, feel free to laugh) another one that started in May
4. "The Frat Boy" - second guy I slept with, really nice guy, led to an entire year of awesome fuck buddiness
5. "We Are..." - (can you guess where he went to school?) a simple date to a carnival in May led to years of messing around and then becoming fuck buddies...I was his "first" (and taught him well) and he became my favorite rebound guy
6. "Maryland ___" - (I'll leave out his actual name, but I'm just too lazy to think of a new nickname for a guy I've called this for ten years) first met and messed around in May, which led to him being my favorite fuck buddy ever!!!!! (Damn that guy was good!!!!)
Ya know, I think I'm going to cut the list off here. Screw ten! I'm getting bored with the trip down memory lane and I'm sure I put you all to sleep already. WAKE UP!!!!
Back to the point...I have no idea why May seems magical to me. I don't know if it's the return to summer or if I just end up in a much better mood, but for some reason, May is lucky for me...when it comes to relationships and sex. Now, I'm interested in hearing about other people's superstitions and lucky things.
Questions
-Is there a certain time, place, thing, etc. that you find lucky? Please tell the juicy details!
-Is there a certain time, place, thing, etc. that you find unlucky? Why?
-Do you think superstitions are just self-fulfilling prophecy or actual magic?
Hoping for May showers,
Evil Temptress
"I Smell Sex and...[Bacon]?"
Marcy Playground had the right idea when they sang about "sex and candy". Sex should be fun and people should use whatever they can to make it better. Who doesn't enjoy licking chocolate syrup off a body? Who didn't find it sexy when Ali Larter wore nothing but a whipped cream bikini in Varsity Blues? And, let's face it, blow jobs are so much better for the person giving them when a cock tastes like a lollipop because of flavored lube (Watermelon Sex Tarts is a personal fave). But, sex and bacon???
Last week, some friends got into a discussion about porn that somehow led to someone (who wants to be known as "Little Miss Sexilicious") stating that she would love to just lay back and eat bacon during sex, while her boytoy does all the work. Now, maybe I am a little closed minded on this one because bacon tends to gross me out a bit...but bacon? Seriously?
Even the guys were a bit grossed out by the idea...and those guys do love them some bacon. So, this started me thinking about what the criteria are for edible enhancements. What makes a food appealing to use during sex? What makes it absolutely disgusting to use during sex? Is it a regional thing? Personally, I'd be quite grossed out by raw fish and sex, but the Japanese are fans of eating sushi off a naked body...and you know those Geisha girls are not there strictly for conversation.
Some people enjoy edible underwear. I never understood the point of those, so if someone could please explain it to me, I'd appreciate it. I used to wear candy necklaces because I love the feeling of someone biting my neck...or lots of someones biting my neck throughout the day...high school and college were fun. One of my former roommates used to wrap her boyfriend's cock in a Fruit Rollup (guess he wasn't big enough for a Fruit By the Foot...hehe) before going down on him. And, other people I know have used ice cream or water ice on their girlfriends' nipples. Still, all of these things are sweet.
The more I try to think about something that would fall even close to bacon, the more at a loss I become. Can someone please jump in here? Anyone? Anyone??
Questions
-What makes a food appealing to use during sex?
-What makes a food absolutely gross to use during sex?
-Does this differ by region?
-What foods have you used to enhance sexual activities? How did you use them?
Cherry flavored cherry,
Evil Temptress
Last week, some friends got into a discussion about porn that somehow led to someone (who wants to be known as "Little Miss Sexilicious") stating that she would love to just lay back and eat bacon during sex, while her boytoy does all the work. Now, maybe I am a little closed minded on this one because bacon tends to gross me out a bit...but bacon? Seriously?
Even the guys were a bit grossed out by the idea...and those guys do love them some bacon. So, this started me thinking about what the criteria are for edible enhancements. What makes a food appealing to use during sex? What makes it absolutely disgusting to use during sex? Is it a regional thing? Personally, I'd be quite grossed out by raw fish and sex, but the Japanese are fans of eating sushi off a naked body...and you know those Geisha girls are not there strictly for conversation.
Some people enjoy edible underwear. I never understood the point of those, so if someone could please explain it to me, I'd appreciate it. I used to wear candy necklaces because I love the feeling of someone biting my neck...or lots of someones biting my neck throughout the day...high school and college were fun. One of my former roommates used to wrap her boyfriend's cock in a Fruit Rollup (guess he wasn't big enough for a Fruit By the Foot...hehe) before going down on him. And, other people I know have used ice cream or water ice on their girlfriends' nipples. Still, all of these things are sweet.
The more I try to think about something that would fall even close to bacon, the more at a loss I become. Can someone please jump in here? Anyone? Anyone??
Questions
-What makes a food appealing to use during sex?
-What makes a food absolutely gross to use during sex?
-Does this differ by region?
-What foods have you used to enhance sexual activities? How did you use them?
Cherry flavored cherry,
Evil Temptress
Friday, May 21, 2010
"Doin' the Butt..."
I promised you an anal post and here it is. No, I'm not going to be OCD. No, I'm not shoving a post up your ass. Butt, this will be an informative piece for the next time a couple wants to shove a post up an ass.
Let's get started. For the purpose of this blog, we will discuss the roles of both players, the pitcher and the catcher. The "pitcher" does the penetrating. The catcher takes it up the ass. We will discuss the physical/medical and mental/emotional ramifications of buttfucking. We will also provide tips for an easier ride and, for those of you who are totally clueless, the difference between anal sex and doggy-style. In both cases, a person is technically taking it from behind.
The Catcher
We're starting with the catcher, because this person really gets the shit end of the deal. Hehe. Physically, taking it up the ass can be very painful and very damaging. An individual who has a healthy digestive system and a normal immune system is the only person who really should ever attempt to be the catcher. A normal immune system is necessary because you may be taking narsty things into your body. The immune system needs to be strong enough to fight them, but not so strong that it attacks your body. This is even more critical in anal sex than in vaginal sex because it is pretty much guaranteed that you will bleed. If friction causes anything to tear, intestine or skin, all sorts of junk can enter your blood stream. Cum will be the least of your worries. Shit is extremely toxic if it enters your bloodstream. That's why intestinal perforations are so critical and scary. Shit can cause a deadly infection. Now, some people may be asking why a healthy person would bleed. Next time you go number 2, take a good look at it. Check out the girth. Unless you have a horrible diet and are desperately in need of some fiber, it probably isn't as wide as your boyfriend's cock. Also, have you ever changed a diaper? Poopy is somewhat squishy and can change form to fit. Good luck re-shaping a penis. And, to make it even worse, all of that in-and-out causes a lot of friction that your butthole just isn't used to. Usually, things come out fairly quickly. This would be moving in both directions and would take a lot more time than you are used to. Think about the last time you wore a shoe that rubbed you the wrong way. Pretty nasty blister, huh? Well, do you think other areas of skin are immune to that? The skin on the bottom of your foot is 40 times thicker than the skin on other areas of your body, including inside your bottom. Skip blister and go straight to bleed. Of course, if you cause tearing or inflammation in your rectum, you've got quite a shitty problem. Rectal inflammation causes the walls of the rectum to swell. If the walls swell, they can't stretch to accomodate whatever you need to contain in there until such time as you can deposit it elsewhere. If you can't contain it, you just drop it wherever you are. And, finally, even if you are incredibly healthy, there can be issues with the lube. Too much lube can act as a laxative. Not enough lube can lead to more bleeding and inflammation. The wrong lube can cause bad reactions. Geez, even for a healthy person, this can be a royal pain in the ass.
Now, what about if the person does not have a healthy digestive tract or a normal immune system? My advice, DON'T DO IT!!! If you have any type of bowel resectioning or removal or if you have a j-pouch, DON'T DO IT!!! Tears and/or infections caused by anal sex can lead to a need to have your surgery amended...meaning that you may end up needing more bowel removed and you may be stuck with an ostomy bag for the rest of your life. Anal sex is definitely not worth that! If you have any type of inflammatory bowel disease (Ulcerative Colits, Crohn's, Diverticulitis/Diverticulosis, etc.), DON'T DO IT!!! You already have enough issues down there that are difficult to control. You already bleed enough. Your immune system is already working overtime down there, making things even worse for you. Do you really want to complicate things further? Do you want to land yourself in the hospital, needing one of those fancy surgeries I just mentioned? Let me tell you, they ain't fun! Similarly, if you have any type of irritable bowel syndrome, DON'T DO IT!!! Sure, your illness doesn't suck quite as much as IBD, but do you want to deal with the pain of having a flare up at all? Finally, if you have a history of autoimmune illnesses, DON'T DO IT!!! You don't want to give your crazy over-active immune system a reason to start attacking your intestines. IBD is not fun. Once you have one type of autoimmune illness, you are more likely to get others. If there is any chance of you getting IBD, you don't want this to be something that sparks an issue.
Of course, if you are healthy and you want to share this experience with your boyfriend because he says he loves you and yadda yadda yadda, just be smart about it. Use condoms because they will reduce the risk of infections to both parties. Use lube...just make sure you use an appropriate amount and you use one that you will not have a bad reaction to (squeezing an entire bottle up your ass is not an appropriate amount). Have your little ass pirate/tuchas cowboy/rump rodeo clown gently rub some lube up into your rectum. If this grosses him out too much, ask him why the hell this grosses him out, but shoving his schlong up there doesn't!
The Pitcher
Oh Pitcher, you think you are immune to all of the unpleasantries that are inherent to butt-fucking. Haha. Time for a wake up call! First off, the obvious. Do not expect a blow job right after anal sex. You will need to scrub very well down there for a long, long, long time, using strong soap and very hot water before that thing is ever coming near your partner again. Next, you had better use a condom, lube well, and be gentle! again, BE GENTLE!!! Did you know the the butthole muscles are among the strongest muscles in the human body? Just think about all that strength, gripping tightly, and strangling your little buddy. Oh yes, you will feel pain if you are not gentle. Now, there are, of course, the same health issues inherent to anal sex from your end. Poop causes infection. You could still get a nasty infection from it. You could also get some UTI's or yeast infections (yes, guys get them too...I think they may be called jock itch).
Aside from all the medical grossness, there is also the issue of how you convinced your partner to agree to anal sex. I know plenty of girls who have said "not until we're engaged" or "not until I know you love me", etc. Did you tell a little lie that will get you in trouble? Going back on whatever it was that you said to get your partner to agree to this is immediate grounds for a good swift kick to the nuts...or many good swift kicks to the nuts...or my personal favorite, the twist and pull. Yes, you will deserve that kind of pain!
Now, if you didn't lie, good boy, but you're not out of the woods yet. Do not at any point make fun of anything about your partner. No making fun of your partner's butt and no commenting if when you're done, the condom looks a bit icky. You were up a butt! It will look icky! Do not embarass your partner who was so amazingly nice as to let you do that!
Other Ideas of "From Behind"
I have known a few people to get confused about the concept of "from behind", as doggy style is technically also from behind...it's just not "up the behind". Doggy style is still vaginal sex and it is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G for both partners! Add in a little spanking and, omg, you will be waking the neighbors!
Now, I hope this next part isn't too much of a shocker, but some people like to stick a rogue finger up a woman's ass while fingering her...otherwise known as a shocker! I have yet to find anyone who actually enjoys the shocker (also at times called a scorpion, "two in the pink and one in the stink", etc), but I guess anything is possible. Most of the people I know are "Do Not Enter"...and it is just plain rude to enter without an invitation.
Questions
-What is your up-the-butt limit?
-Girls, what have guys told you to try to get you to agree to anal?
-Guys, what have you told your partners to get them to agree to anal?
-Please also share any stories of anal gone awry.
Spanks a bunch,
Evil Temptress
Let's get started. For the purpose of this blog, we will discuss the roles of both players, the pitcher and the catcher. The "pitcher" does the penetrating. The catcher takes it up the ass. We will discuss the physical/medical and mental/emotional ramifications of buttfucking. We will also provide tips for an easier ride and, for those of you who are totally clueless, the difference between anal sex and doggy-style. In both cases, a person is technically taking it from behind.
The Catcher
We're starting with the catcher, because this person really gets the shit end of the deal. Hehe. Physically, taking it up the ass can be very painful and very damaging. An individual who has a healthy digestive system and a normal immune system is the only person who really should ever attempt to be the catcher. A normal immune system is necessary because you may be taking narsty things into your body. The immune system needs to be strong enough to fight them, but not so strong that it attacks your body. This is even more critical in anal sex than in vaginal sex because it is pretty much guaranteed that you will bleed. If friction causes anything to tear, intestine or skin, all sorts of junk can enter your blood stream. Cum will be the least of your worries. Shit is extremely toxic if it enters your bloodstream. That's why intestinal perforations are so critical and scary. Shit can cause a deadly infection. Now, some people may be asking why a healthy person would bleed. Next time you go number 2, take a good look at it. Check out the girth. Unless you have a horrible diet and are desperately in need of some fiber, it probably isn't as wide as your boyfriend's cock. Also, have you ever changed a diaper? Poopy is somewhat squishy and can change form to fit. Good luck re-shaping a penis. And, to make it even worse, all of that in-and-out causes a lot of friction that your butthole just isn't used to. Usually, things come out fairly quickly. This would be moving in both directions and would take a lot more time than you are used to. Think about the last time you wore a shoe that rubbed you the wrong way. Pretty nasty blister, huh? Well, do you think other areas of skin are immune to that? The skin on the bottom of your foot is 40 times thicker than the skin on other areas of your body, including inside your bottom. Skip blister and go straight to bleed. Of course, if you cause tearing or inflammation in your rectum, you've got quite a shitty problem. Rectal inflammation causes the walls of the rectum to swell. If the walls swell, they can't stretch to accomodate whatever you need to contain in there until such time as you can deposit it elsewhere. If you can't contain it, you just drop it wherever you are. And, finally, even if you are incredibly healthy, there can be issues with the lube. Too much lube can act as a laxative. Not enough lube can lead to more bleeding and inflammation. The wrong lube can cause bad reactions. Geez, even for a healthy person, this can be a royal pain in the ass.
Now, what about if the person does not have a healthy digestive tract or a normal immune system? My advice, DON'T DO IT!!! If you have any type of bowel resectioning or removal or if you have a j-pouch, DON'T DO IT!!! Tears and/or infections caused by anal sex can lead to a need to have your surgery amended...meaning that you may end up needing more bowel removed and you may be stuck with an ostomy bag for the rest of your life. Anal sex is definitely not worth that! If you have any type of inflammatory bowel disease (Ulcerative Colits, Crohn's, Diverticulitis/Diverticulosis, etc.), DON'T DO IT!!! You already have enough issues down there that are difficult to control. You already bleed enough. Your immune system is already working overtime down there, making things even worse for you. Do you really want to complicate things further? Do you want to land yourself in the hospital, needing one of those fancy surgeries I just mentioned? Let me tell you, they ain't fun! Similarly, if you have any type of irritable bowel syndrome, DON'T DO IT!!! Sure, your illness doesn't suck quite as much as IBD, but do you want to deal with the pain of having a flare up at all? Finally, if you have a history of autoimmune illnesses, DON'T DO IT!!! You don't want to give your crazy over-active immune system a reason to start attacking your intestines. IBD is not fun. Once you have one type of autoimmune illness, you are more likely to get others. If there is any chance of you getting IBD, you don't want this to be something that sparks an issue.
Of course, if you are healthy and you want to share this experience with your boyfriend because he says he loves you and yadda yadda yadda, just be smart about it. Use condoms because they will reduce the risk of infections to both parties. Use lube...just make sure you use an appropriate amount and you use one that you will not have a bad reaction to (squeezing an entire bottle up your ass is not an appropriate amount). Have your little ass pirate/tuchas cowboy/rump rodeo clown gently rub some lube up into your rectum. If this grosses him out too much, ask him why the hell this grosses him out, but shoving his schlong up there doesn't!
The Pitcher
Oh Pitcher, you think you are immune to all of the unpleasantries that are inherent to butt-fucking. Haha. Time for a wake up call! First off, the obvious. Do not expect a blow job right after anal sex. You will need to scrub very well down there for a long, long, long time, using strong soap and very hot water before that thing is ever coming near your partner again. Next, you had better use a condom, lube well, and be gentle! again, BE GENTLE!!! Did you know the the butthole muscles are among the strongest muscles in the human body? Just think about all that strength, gripping tightly, and strangling your little buddy. Oh yes, you will feel pain if you are not gentle. Now, there are, of course, the same health issues inherent to anal sex from your end. Poop causes infection. You could still get a nasty infection from it. You could also get some UTI's or yeast infections (yes, guys get them too...I think they may be called jock itch).
Aside from all the medical grossness, there is also the issue of how you convinced your partner to agree to anal sex. I know plenty of girls who have said "not until we're engaged" or "not until I know you love me", etc. Did you tell a little lie that will get you in trouble? Going back on whatever it was that you said to get your partner to agree to this is immediate grounds for a good swift kick to the nuts...or many good swift kicks to the nuts...or my personal favorite, the twist and pull. Yes, you will deserve that kind of pain!
Now, if you didn't lie, good boy, but you're not out of the woods yet. Do not at any point make fun of anything about your partner. No making fun of your partner's butt and no commenting if when you're done, the condom looks a bit icky. You were up a butt! It will look icky! Do not embarass your partner who was so amazingly nice as to let you do that!
Other Ideas of "From Behind"
I have known a few people to get confused about the concept of "from behind", as doggy style is technically also from behind...it's just not "up the behind". Doggy style is still vaginal sex and it is A-M-A-Z-I-N-G for both partners! Add in a little spanking and, omg, you will be waking the neighbors!
Now, I hope this next part isn't too much of a shocker, but some people like to stick a rogue finger up a woman's ass while fingering her...otherwise known as a shocker! I have yet to find anyone who actually enjoys the shocker (also at times called a scorpion, "two in the pink and one in the stink", etc), but I guess anything is possible. Most of the people I know are "Do Not Enter"...and it is just plain rude to enter without an invitation.
Questions
-What is your up-the-butt limit?
-Girls, what have guys told you to try to get you to agree to anal?
-Guys, what have you told your partners to get them to agree to anal?
-Please also share any stories of anal gone awry.
Spanks a bunch,
Evil Temptress
Thursday, May 20, 2010
"I Wanna See You Cry Like I Did a Thousand Times..."
In the last post, I mentioned contacting your ex for a little "reunion". Believe it or not, your ex can be quite helpful in your pursuit to get laid...even if your ex is completely unwilling or is somebody you wouldn't even touch to rescue from a burning building. Ah, breakup sex...that which causes such mediocre satisfaction but prevents you from pining away after the idiot you were with before. Breakup sex...that which reminds you that you are "good enough, smart enough, and doggonit, people like you."
Now, you may not have had a particularly traumatic breakup. You could have been the one to initiate the breakup. You could be doing cartwheels down the halls because of your breakup. However, keep that to yourself. Get those sad puppy eyes ready. This is manipulation 101.
When you are sad about a breakup, people feel sorry for you...at least right after the breakup they do...around a month later, it's getting really old. While still in that window of people feeling sorry for you, they will want to comfort you. Find that person who you would consider "most likely to fill your needs" and make contact. Call/text/bbm/gtalk/Facebook/whatever the person if you are friends. Don't be annoyingly whiney, but mention that you and your significant other recently broke up and that you are looking for something to do because you just don't feel like sitting in. Say that you really need to get out and have fun. At this point, most people's ears will perk up. Recently broken up = EASY! Don't be offended by that. That's exactly what you are going for. This person thinks that he/she will be taking advantage of you and is excited by how easy you will be. In actuality, you are the manipulator. This person is like putty in your hands.
Now, post-breakup rebound sex has never ever failed me. In my own experience, it has a 100% rate of return. If you remember that you are not actually as upset as you are saying, then you will be fine. Just don't be a teary-eyed, whiney, pathetic mess. Be strong. Boldly state that you intend to have fun and make up for lost time. If someone doesn't take the bait, then that person is just too dense to be worth it.
Bonus Points:
Let's pretend this is a little game (because, let's face it, it is). Certain things will score you some bonus points...which basically are extra little bits of satisfaction over a job well done:
1) Revenge - While they say you should never use sex as a way of getting revenge on someone, I'd like to know who "they" are and why "they" think it is their business what you do. Revenge can be sweet and fulfilling, if there is reason to get some revenge. Think of it as giving karma a helping hand. What better way is there to get revenge than to sleep with your ex's friend? One way or another, your ex will find out about it (you'll make sure of that...lol). This will cause a rift in your ex's friend group. Make sure your new fuck buddy knows the "truth" about the breakup. Your ex's social circle just got a whole lot smaller...poor baby...lol.
2) Trading Up - According to Ivana Trump, "Don't get mad. Get everything!" Now, if you're not getting a divorce, you can't get financial assets. Sorry. You can, however, get everything you want in a partner. You don't need to settle for just any rebound fuck buddy. Find an amazing fuck buddy or even an amazing relationship. You are no longer limited! You'll be happy again...and your ex will be rather upset or angry at that.
I had thought of a few other ways of scoring some bonus points, but I am completely blanking right now. It's that time of day. So, this leaves us at a perfect place for a question:
-What are other ways of scoring bonus points during post-breakup sex?
-In your experience, has this method worked? Why or why not?
-Does post-breakup sex tend to make you feel better or feel worse? Explain.
As always, keep it anonymous. You want to do all of the things that would get you a bad reputation, but without actually getting the bad reputation.
Broke up on a Thursday and fucked someone that Sunday,
Evil Temptress
Now, you may not have had a particularly traumatic breakup. You could have been the one to initiate the breakup. You could be doing cartwheels down the halls because of your breakup. However, keep that to yourself. Get those sad puppy eyes ready. This is manipulation 101.
When you are sad about a breakup, people feel sorry for you...at least right after the breakup they do...around a month later, it's getting really old. While still in that window of people feeling sorry for you, they will want to comfort you. Find that person who you would consider "most likely to fill your needs" and make contact. Call/text/bbm/gtalk/Facebook/whatever the person if you are friends. Don't be annoyingly whiney, but mention that you and your significant other recently broke up and that you are looking for something to do because you just don't feel like sitting in. Say that you really need to get out and have fun. At this point, most people's ears will perk up. Recently broken up = EASY! Don't be offended by that. That's exactly what you are going for. This person thinks that he/she will be taking advantage of you and is excited by how easy you will be. In actuality, you are the manipulator. This person is like putty in your hands.
Now, post-breakup rebound sex has never ever failed me. In my own experience, it has a 100% rate of return. If you remember that you are not actually as upset as you are saying, then you will be fine. Just don't be a teary-eyed, whiney, pathetic mess. Be strong. Boldly state that you intend to have fun and make up for lost time. If someone doesn't take the bait, then that person is just too dense to be worth it.
Bonus Points:
Let's pretend this is a little game (because, let's face it, it is). Certain things will score you some bonus points...which basically are extra little bits of satisfaction over a job well done:
1) Revenge - While they say you should never use sex as a way of getting revenge on someone, I'd like to know who "they" are and why "they" think it is their business what you do. Revenge can be sweet and fulfilling, if there is reason to get some revenge. Think of it as giving karma a helping hand. What better way is there to get revenge than to sleep with your ex's friend? One way or another, your ex will find out about it (you'll make sure of that...lol). This will cause a rift in your ex's friend group. Make sure your new fuck buddy knows the "truth" about the breakup. Your ex's social circle just got a whole lot smaller...poor baby...lol.
2) Trading Up - According to Ivana Trump, "Don't get mad. Get everything!" Now, if you're not getting a divorce, you can't get financial assets. Sorry. You can, however, get everything you want in a partner. You don't need to settle for just any rebound fuck buddy. Find an amazing fuck buddy or even an amazing relationship. You are no longer limited! You'll be happy again...and your ex will be rather upset or angry at that.
I had thought of a few other ways of scoring some bonus points, but I am completely blanking right now. It's that time of day. So, this leaves us at a perfect place for a question:
-What are other ways of scoring bonus points during post-breakup sex?
-In your experience, has this method worked? Why or why not?
-Does post-breakup sex tend to make you feel better or feel worse? Explain.
As always, keep it anonymous. You want to do all of the things that would get you a bad reputation, but without actually getting the bad reputation.
Broke up on a Thursday and fucked someone that Sunday,
Evil Temptress
"Feel Like Hopping On a Flight Back to My Hometown Tonight..."
Ok, so I slacked yesterday. I suck like that. Would two for today work? Just think of it like multiple blogasms! Of course, if you all would start leaving comments, my dirty mind would be able to think of enough for rolling blogasms...just saying...you know nothing beats a rolling blogasm.
Now, yesterday morning was fairly shitty. "Rocky", as it turns out, was only a one-hit wonder. Normally, that wouldn't bother me too much, but he was REALLY good...and that was at the stuff we actually did. I definitely was hoping to have the chance to f*ck his brains out sometime this week. Oh well. Moving right along.
This weekend, I'm going to visit my hometown...which actually is a big city. I'm not going to tell you where (because some of you stalker types may try to figure out who I am), but I will say that the "hometown" visit can provide decent opportunities to meet our goal for the week...Everybody Gets Laid!
Think about some of the people you are friendly with in your hometown. DO NOT sleep with your good friends (it always seems like a good idea at first, but then it just gets AWKWARD). Instead, think about the people who are on the fringe of that group. These are the people you don't ever talk to unless they come out with your friends when you are visiting your hometown. These people can be great f*ck buddies...either as a one-time thing during your current visit or as a more longterm thing every time you visit. You sorta kinda know them, so it's not like f*cking a complete stranger. Your friends must think they are at least somewhat okay, so you know they probably aren't the worst idea in the world. Plus, they are easily accessible. When you are out with your hometown friends, see which of their friends is cute (and is not dating one of your friends). Start flirting. Put the sex out there (flirt and have a filthy mind...don't straight out offer the sex unless the person really is just that dense and initiating play has not even been enough for the lightbulb to go off). Who cares if you are laying it on thick? Everyone likes to be wanted and, let's face it, you are purposely trying to be an easy lay. If you are somewhere where there is alcohol, drink. Don't get too drunk (you want to be in control), but act like you are a bit more drunk than you are. You don't want to be a fall down mess, but you want to be friendly, flirty, and easy. Also, remember, you have a certain amount of drunken immunity. Drunk people tend to have oral fixations, so just go kiss someone. Girls, if you've been flirting with a guy all night and he has been flirting back, he generally won't mind it if you press up against him, grab his junk, and start stroking. Guys, it can be a little harder with girls, but my advice would be to go somewhere that has dancing (like a club, not ballroom). If she has been flirting back, then you can feel free to either go up right behind her and press your self against her and dance. If you are already dancing, grab her, pull her close so that you are pressed together, and keep dancing. If she's been drinking, make her horny. Horny drunk girls rarely say no. Actually, in my experience (which means personal experience and my observations of friends), all of these maneuvers have over a 95% rate of return on messing around. Girls, that public over-the-clothes handjob won't stay public very long. 98% of the time, he'll be leading you off to somewhere else and it'll be "anything goes". Guys, you will need to do a bit more legwork. If you are behind her, at some point move around to her front and press up against her that way. If you started in the front, stay there. Now, once you and the girl have a good rhythm going and you are pressed so close that you are now practically one person and the breathing is getting heavier and it's getting very warm, kiss that girl! And I don't mean your usual, gentle, goodnight kiss. I mean a long, passionate, "I want to fuck the shit out of you right on this dance floor" kiss. She'll get the message. Like I said, at some point, you'll be off to somewhere else to mess around...at least in 95% of cases. I'd say that the likelihood of sex is at around 80%. Of course, if you have condoms with you and if you don't get too pushy, your chances will be better. And, yes, I said don't get too pushy! I can't even begin to count how many times I REALLY wanted to go further and further with a guy, but then he'd get too pushy about something just a few minutes before I was ready and it would be such a turn off. Then, the more the guy would keep trying and keep pushing for it, the more annoyed I'd get. Once I'm annoyed, the answer is NO. I don't care how cute you are or how much you turn me on, if you piss me off in the middle of messing around, the answer is NO. That's it. Night is over. Buh-bye. So, in nice easy terms, be nice! You make the moves, but let her think she is calling the shots about when you do what. Whisper in her ear, both sweet comments and dirty comments. Dirty comments can be a real turn on, but if there are just too many of them and if they just make you sound really crude, you won't be getting into her. End of story. Girls, you have a little more liberty with the dirty comments, but don't sound like a guy or like a truck driver...and don't mention wanting to put anything up his butt. Seriously, I've heard of idiot girls doing that. As much as a guy might want to f*ck you up the ass, he DOES NOT want you putting anything up his ass (well, 99% of guys don't). On the topic of fucking up the ass, there will be a post dedicated to that topic shortly, so I won't go into that right now.
Now, let's say that your friends do not have anyone worth your time or anyone who is single/willing, you do have another hometown option. Remember that hottie you dated way back when? Well, that hottie is the reason Facebook was invented (not really, but it does work in this case). Get back in touch with hottie ex and arrange a time to catch up. Act like you really are interested in his/her life at the moment. Do all of the little flirty things that once upon a time made you irresistable. Even if that's not you anymore, for a one night stand, who cares? The "bait and switch" works much better than the "bend and snap"! By the time your clueless ex realizes what happened, you'll have already left and be too far away for questioning...especially with caller id.
Of course, you don't need to travel anywhere if you have a local ex. The same rules apply. Just be careful not to cause an issue with any of your friends. Friends sometimes get cranky over shit that isn't any of their business. Also, be careful not to seem too interested. Don't give the impression that you want to get back together. If the ex is local, you can't say "Sorry, but I don't do long distance."
No questions this time...trying to make up for lost blog time...let's see how many I can bang out today.
Please comment and let us know how things are going...have you met your goal?
Needing a pleasurable stress relief,
Evil Temptress
Now, yesterday morning was fairly shitty. "Rocky", as it turns out, was only a one-hit wonder. Normally, that wouldn't bother me too much, but he was REALLY good...and that was at the stuff we actually did. I definitely was hoping to have the chance to f*ck his brains out sometime this week. Oh well. Moving right along.
This weekend, I'm going to visit my hometown...which actually is a big city. I'm not going to tell you where (because some of you stalker types may try to figure out who I am), but I will say that the "hometown" visit can provide decent opportunities to meet our goal for the week...Everybody Gets Laid!
Think about some of the people you are friendly with in your hometown. DO NOT sleep with your good friends (it always seems like a good idea at first, but then it just gets AWKWARD). Instead, think about the people who are on the fringe of that group. These are the people you don't ever talk to unless they come out with your friends when you are visiting your hometown. These people can be great f*ck buddies...either as a one-time thing during your current visit or as a more longterm thing every time you visit. You sorta kinda know them, so it's not like f*cking a complete stranger. Your friends must think they are at least somewhat okay, so you know they probably aren't the worst idea in the world. Plus, they are easily accessible. When you are out with your hometown friends, see which of their friends is cute (and is not dating one of your friends). Start flirting. Put the sex out there (flirt and have a filthy mind...don't straight out offer the sex unless the person really is just that dense and initiating play has not even been enough for the lightbulb to go off). Who cares if you are laying it on thick? Everyone likes to be wanted and, let's face it, you are purposely trying to be an easy lay. If you are somewhere where there is alcohol, drink. Don't get too drunk (you want to be in control), but act like you are a bit more drunk than you are. You don't want to be a fall down mess, but you want to be friendly, flirty, and easy. Also, remember, you have a certain amount of drunken immunity. Drunk people tend to have oral fixations, so just go kiss someone. Girls, if you've been flirting with a guy all night and he has been flirting back, he generally won't mind it if you press up against him, grab his junk, and start stroking. Guys, it can be a little harder with girls, but my advice would be to go somewhere that has dancing (like a club, not ballroom). If she has been flirting back, then you can feel free to either go up right behind her and press your self against her and dance. If you are already dancing, grab her, pull her close so that you are pressed together, and keep dancing. If she's been drinking, make her horny. Horny drunk girls rarely say no. Actually, in my experience (which means personal experience and my observations of friends), all of these maneuvers have over a 95% rate of return on messing around. Girls, that public over-the-clothes handjob won't stay public very long. 98% of the time, he'll be leading you off to somewhere else and it'll be "anything goes". Guys, you will need to do a bit more legwork. If you are behind her, at some point move around to her front and press up against her that way. If you started in the front, stay there. Now, once you and the girl have a good rhythm going and you are pressed so close that you are now practically one person and the breathing is getting heavier and it's getting very warm, kiss that girl! And I don't mean your usual, gentle, goodnight kiss. I mean a long, passionate, "I want to fuck the shit out of you right on this dance floor" kiss. She'll get the message. Like I said, at some point, you'll be off to somewhere else to mess around...at least in 95% of cases. I'd say that the likelihood of sex is at around 80%. Of course, if you have condoms with you and if you don't get too pushy, your chances will be better. And, yes, I said don't get too pushy! I can't even begin to count how many times I REALLY wanted to go further and further with a guy, but then he'd get too pushy about something just a few minutes before I was ready and it would be such a turn off. Then, the more the guy would keep trying and keep pushing for it, the more annoyed I'd get. Once I'm annoyed, the answer is NO. I don't care how cute you are or how much you turn me on, if you piss me off in the middle of messing around, the answer is NO. That's it. Night is over. Buh-bye. So, in nice easy terms, be nice! You make the moves, but let her think she is calling the shots about when you do what. Whisper in her ear, both sweet comments and dirty comments. Dirty comments can be a real turn on, but if there are just too many of them and if they just make you sound really crude, you won't be getting into her. End of story. Girls, you have a little more liberty with the dirty comments, but don't sound like a guy or like a truck driver...and don't mention wanting to put anything up his butt. Seriously, I've heard of idiot girls doing that. As much as a guy might want to f*ck you up the ass, he DOES NOT want you putting anything up his ass (well, 99% of guys don't). On the topic of fucking up the ass, there will be a post dedicated to that topic shortly, so I won't go into that right now.
Now, let's say that your friends do not have anyone worth your time or anyone who is single/willing, you do have another hometown option. Remember that hottie you dated way back when? Well, that hottie is the reason Facebook was invented (not really, but it does work in this case). Get back in touch with hottie ex and arrange a time to catch up. Act like you really are interested in his/her life at the moment. Do all of the little flirty things that once upon a time made you irresistable. Even if that's not you anymore, for a one night stand, who cares? The "bait and switch" works much better than the "bend and snap"! By the time your clueless ex realizes what happened, you'll have already left and be too far away for questioning...especially with caller id.
Of course, you don't need to travel anywhere if you have a local ex. The same rules apply. Just be careful not to cause an issue with any of your friends. Friends sometimes get cranky over shit that isn't any of their business. Also, be careful not to seem too interested. Don't give the impression that you want to get back together. If the ex is local, you can't say "Sorry, but I don't do long distance."
No questions this time...trying to make up for lost blog time...let's see how many I can bang out today.
Please comment and let us know how things are going...have you met your goal?
Needing a pleasurable stress relief,
Evil Temptress
Sunday, May 16, 2010
"And Even When You Look Away, I Know You Think Of Me"
I'd like to start this post by saying that most people are stupid. People want to see what isn't there and to ignore what is there. We all crave illusion, at the expense of reality. We never stop to consider that by accepting reality, we might be accepting the route through which me might reach everything that we hope for from the illusion.
I know that seems vague, but let's take a look at some examples that might make this more clear. First, we'll examine a poem by William Blake. Why should we look at this poem first? Hell, why should we look at it at all? The reason is because it illustrates a problem that many people view as modern, but that has really always existed. Also, it is a classic example of how dumb people really are. Most people consider this to be a love poem. Ha! They are looking for the illusion that is found in pretty words and promises.
My Pretty Rose Tree
A flower was offered to me,
Such a flower as May never bore;
But I said 'I've a pretty rose tree,'
And I passed the sweet flower o'er.
Then I went to my pretty rose tree,
To tend her by day and by night;
But my rose turned away with jealousy,
And her thorns were my only delight
For those of you who don't get it, let me break it down for you. A young woman came on to the guy. She was basically saying, "If you want me, I'm yours." She was someone new to his life, so they hadn't developed much of a relationship yet, but he saw something special in her and really felt something for her. However, the guy turned her down because he already had a pretty wife and what he thought was a solid relationship. He stayed committed to his wife and did everything he could to show he loved her, but he was probably trying a bit too hard. His wife did not care that he had stayed faithful. She was jealous, probably because his actions showed he was trying to be in the marriage, but that he wanted something else. Because of this, she ended up treating him like crap. Sadly, he was fine with that, because he had chosen his "happy, solid marriage", even if the happiness and the solidity of the relationship were just an illusion.
Now, let's look at this in terms of people we know. Think about your group of friends. I'm sure you know people who are cheating on their significant others or people who have had the opportunity to cheat. I'm sure you know cheaters who actually have feelings for the people they cheat with, but stay with the people they are involved in relationships with because they have "history" or because they are too scared to examine their current feelings and realize that what they feel for their partner has changed over time.
Blog friends, people are idiots. I say this with love because I have many friends who currently find themselves in this exact scenario. They are wonderful people, but they are idiots. We've probably all been idiots at one time or another.
I used to think that cheating was absolutely 100% wrong. As it turns out, I was wrong. Cheating is sometimes wrong and sometimes right. Before you hunt me down and kick the shit out of me, please listen to why.
In circumstances where you know you don't love the person you are with and you know you have real feelings for the person you could cheat with, cheating is wrong. Dump the person you are with and just pursue something with the new person. In circumstances where you are in love with the person you are with and you are considering cheating with someone that you don't think you have any real feelings for, please, go see a shrink. You are deluding yourself somehow. Either you're not really in love with your current significant other or you do have feelings for the other person. If you are 100% sure of a situation, there is no reason to cheat. Either you are going to stay in your relationship or you are going to end it and pursue something with the other person.
Unfortunately, not all circumstances are that black and white. The shades of gray are what make cheating acceptable...for the short-term anyway. Maybe you are in a relationship and you are not quite sure how you feel anymore. You have been together a long time and you used to be in love with the person, but now someone new is causing you some inner-conflict. You know you have a definite desire for that new person, but you're not sure what is driving that desire...love or lust (or, more likely, "like" or lust). You might not want to make a choice until you are sure. You don't want to end a relationship unless you are sure the person isn't really "the one". Meanwhile, you don't want to let the new person go if you think there is any chance that person could be "the one" or that person could at least be someone you'll really fall for. One of my friends put it best the other day when she said, "What are you supposed to do if you meet 'the one' while you are with someone else? Are you supposed to just let him walk away because the timing is inconvenient and because you are confused about how you feel? That's ridiculous!" Personally, I agree. That's ridiculous! Just a hint, the relationship is the illusion and the cheating would be with the real thing. Eventually, that cheating could lead to a happy, solid relationship with the new person and you could even find that all of your dreams come true...complicated story, but very happy ending.
Obviously, this is question time. Then, I will explain how this post relates to our wonderful goal.
-Would you ever cheat on someone, just to try to find out what is real and what is illusion?
-Do you think it is ok with people cheating, in order to find out what is real and what is illusion?
-Would you be ok with being "the other person" while a new partner tries to figure out what is real and what is illusion?
Now, how does cheating help our goal of everyone getting laid this week? Duh, isn't it obvious?! Raise your hand if you are finding yourself in a situation where you have the chance to be the cheater or the chance to be the other person. Raise your hand if you really want to go for it, but your morals and Rikki Lake's voice are holding you back ("Once a cheater, always a cheater."). Just because the only love or satisfaction Rikki has ever found is in a box of donuts, doesn't mean you have to doom yourself to a life of regret. Yes, I said regret. You will always wonder if you made the right choice in not trying to find out what exactly is there. You will look back on that choice 30 years later and literally kick yourself in the ass. So, my advice to you is simple...GET OUT THERE AND GIVE IT A TRY! Forget your morals for a night and go see if that person is really what you want. Then, anonymously, leave a comment and let us know how it turned out. At least you won't have to look back on this with regret...unless you use names in the comment...please don't let a blog be the reason that some angry bitch/douche tracks you down and cuts you. This is all about the love, so let's keep it that way.
Oh yeah, if Avril is cool with it, then it must be good.
You're so fine, I want you mine,
Evil Temptress
I know that seems vague, but let's take a look at some examples that might make this more clear. First, we'll examine a poem by William Blake. Why should we look at this poem first? Hell, why should we look at it at all? The reason is because it illustrates a problem that many people view as modern, but that has really always existed. Also, it is a classic example of how dumb people really are. Most people consider this to be a love poem. Ha! They are looking for the illusion that is found in pretty words and promises.
My Pretty Rose Tree
A flower was offered to me,
Such a flower as May never bore;
But I said 'I've a pretty rose tree,'
And I passed the sweet flower o'er.
Then I went to my pretty rose tree,
To tend her by day and by night;
But my rose turned away with jealousy,
And her thorns were my only delight
For those of you who don't get it, let me break it down for you. A young woman came on to the guy. She was basically saying, "If you want me, I'm yours." She was someone new to his life, so they hadn't developed much of a relationship yet, but he saw something special in her and really felt something for her. However, the guy turned her down because he already had a pretty wife and what he thought was a solid relationship. He stayed committed to his wife and did everything he could to show he loved her, but he was probably trying a bit too hard. His wife did not care that he had stayed faithful. She was jealous, probably because his actions showed he was trying to be in the marriage, but that he wanted something else. Because of this, she ended up treating him like crap. Sadly, he was fine with that, because he had chosen his "happy, solid marriage", even if the happiness and the solidity of the relationship were just an illusion.
Now, let's look at this in terms of people we know. Think about your group of friends. I'm sure you know people who are cheating on their significant others or people who have had the opportunity to cheat. I'm sure you know cheaters who actually have feelings for the people they cheat with, but stay with the people they are involved in relationships with because they have "history" or because they are too scared to examine their current feelings and realize that what they feel for their partner has changed over time.
Blog friends, people are idiots. I say this with love because I have many friends who currently find themselves in this exact scenario. They are wonderful people, but they are idiots. We've probably all been idiots at one time or another.
I used to think that cheating was absolutely 100% wrong. As it turns out, I was wrong. Cheating is sometimes wrong and sometimes right. Before you hunt me down and kick the shit out of me, please listen to why.
In circumstances where you know you don't love the person you are with and you know you have real feelings for the person you could cheat with, cheating is wrong. Dump the person you are with and just pursue something with the new person. In circumstances where you are in love with the person you are with and you are considering cheating with someone that you don't think you have any real feelings for, please, go see a shrink. You are deluding yourself somehow. Either you're not really in love with your current significant other or you do have feelings for the other person. If you are 100% sure of a situation, there is no reason to cheat. Either you are going to stay in your relationship or you are going to end it and pursue something with the other person.
Unfortunately, not all circumstances are that black and white. The shades of gray are what make cheating acceptable...for the short-term anyway. Maybe you are in a relationship and you are not quite sure how you feel anymore. You have been together a long time and you used to be in love with the person, but now someone new is causing you some inner-conflict. You know you have a definite desire for that new person, but you're not sure what is driving that desire...love or lust (or, more likely, "like" or lust). You might not want to make a choice until you are sure. You don't want to end a relationship unless you are sure the person isn't really "the one". Meanwhile, you don't want to let the new person go if you think there is any chance that person could be "the one" or that person could at least be someone you'll really fall for. One of my friends put it best the other day when she said, "What are you supposed to do if you meet 'the one' while you are with someone else? Are you supposed to just let him walk away because the timing is inconvenient and because you are confused about how you feel? That's ridiculous!" Personally, I agree. That's ridiculous! Just a hint, the relationship is the illusion and the cheating would be with the real thing. Eventually, that cheating could lead to a happy, solid relationship with the new person and you could even find that all of your dreams come true...complicated story, but very happy ending.
Obviously, this is question time. Then, I will explain how this post relates to our wonderful goal.
-Would you ever cheat on someone, just to try to find out what is real and what is illusion?
-Do you think it is ok with people cheating, in order to find out what is real and what is illusion?
-Would you be ok with being "the other person" while a new partner tries to figure out what is real and what is illusion?
Now, how does cheating help our goal of everyone getting laid this week? Duh, isn't it obvious?! Raise your hand if you are finding yourself in a situation where you have the chance to be the cheater or the chance to be the other person. Raise your hand if you really want to go for it, but your morals and Rikki Lake's voice are holding you back ("Once a cheater, always a cheater."). Just because the only love or satisfaction Rikki has ever found is in a box of donuts, doesn't mean you have to doom yourself to a life of regret. Yes, I said regret. You will always wonder if you made the right choice in not trying to find out what exactly is there. You will look back on that choice 30 years later and literally kick yourself in the ass. So, my advice to you is simple...GET OUT THERE AND GIVE IT A TRY! Forget your morals for a night and go see if that person is really what you want. Then, anonymously, leave a comment and let us know how it turned out. At least you won't have to look back on this with regret...unless you use names in the comment...please don't let a blog be the reason that some angry bitch/douche tracks you down and cuts you. This is all about the love, so let's keep it that way.
Oh yeah, if Avril is cool with it, then it must be good.
You're so fine, I want you mine,
Evil Temptress
"Your Scent is Still Here In My Place of Recovery"
There have been a lot of things going on lately that have been causing me to question the concept of "morals" and to re-examine my own morals. I have always been an extremely "moral" person. Even with my horrible temper, I still have always taken the high road and have always expected the same of others. Seeing as people very rarely have met those expectations, I have always questioned how people could be so dismissive of "the right thing" to do.
Recently, I have begun to think that my views are crap! Good people get kicked in the ass by karma and assholes watch their own dreams come true. Fuck that! The next few posts will be dedicated to embracing more realistic values, especially in the areas of sex and relationships. To ensure that this happens, I have set a goal...
I INTEND TO HELP EVERYONE WHO READS THIS BLOG GET LAID WITHIN THE NEXT WEEK (or next two weeks if your situation is a particular challenge).
So, let's get started. The first thing we need to do is get rid of a common misconception. During sex ed (or wherever), you were probably taught that sex does not cure or help treat any illnesses. You were taught not to fall for the line, "I have __(name of illness)__ and sex makes it feel better, so I need sex or I will get really sick." Well, newsflash, PEOPLE HAVE LIED TO YOU!
SEX CAN DEFINITELY HELP TREAT CERTAIN ILLNESSES! This is documented medical fact. Now, I won't tell you what these illnesses are. You may already have one of them or you may not. Either way, you have to do the research. The only thing I will say to help is that even if you do not have one of those illnesses, sex causes you to release endorphins and endorphins are amazing painkillers. You do the math on that one. Oh yeah, I should probably offer a second piece of helpful advice. Don't use any type of an illness that is sexually transmitted. That would just be stupid. And remember, people respect creativity. Even if you are caught in the lie, if you were creative about it and if you had set your sights on a partner you have a chance with, you may still get laid. Everyone likes a good joke...just be sure to spin it that way if you are caught.
Now, I know some of you are reading this and getting annoyed that I would suggest people use deception and trickery to get people into bed. Before I give my full opinion of the issue, let me pose the questions. Please comment and be as blunt as you want:
-If you had an illness that could be improved in some way by having sex, would you tell a potential partner about it, in the hopes of getting that person into bed?
-If you don't have an illness that could be improved in some way by having sex, would you ever lie and say you did have one of those SPECIFIC illnesses, just to get someone into bed?
-Would you ever creatively twist the health benefits of sex in order to lure a partner into bed?
I'll be honest...been there, done that. Ladies, listen up. Certain hormone imbalances can be seriously helped by having sex. Your body releases hormones during sex. Sometimes that jolt is enough to balance out whatever issue you are having. Regularly having that jolt can even just about fix the problem. Sure you won't be able to regulate the hormones on your own (there actually can be differences between hormones released during sex and hormones released during masturbation), but if having sex on a regular basis is what the doctor orders, who are you to question a prescription? Besides, would you prefer a solid shag or taking a pill? Shag please! Just make sure you can get a steady fix...if your boyfriend claims to not be a machine (ha, of course he's a machine), then maybe you need some "sex supplements". Think of your boyfriend as medicine and all other partners as "vitamins". Vitamins are good for you. If you don't take them at the same time as the medicine, you will never have a poisonous interaction. I was dumb enough to believe my ex wasn't a "machine". Turns out, he was a tool, with a rather tiny tool. Since then, I am all about big machines with lots of power behind them. Otherwise, I may fall very ill. ;-)
Let me know if this helps you at all this week. If it doesn't, don't get too discouraged. I will be offering many different simple ways to get laid over the next week. For those of you who will need two weeks, the second week of advice will be slightly more complicated, but definitely will guarantee that your face will look like this :-O.
Show me your "OOOOOOO" face,
Evil Temptress
Recently, I have begun to think that my views are crap! Good people get kicked in the ass by karma and assholes watch their own dreams come true. Fuck that! The next few posts will be dedicated to embracing more realistic values, especially in the areas of sex and relationships. To ensure that this happens, I have set a goal...
I INTEND TO HELP EVERYONE WHO READS THIS BLOG GET LAID WITHIN THE NEXT WEEK (or next two weeks if your situation is a particular challenge).
So, let's get started. The first thing we need to do is get rid of a common misconception. During sex ed (or wherever), you were probably taught that sex does not cure or help treat any illnesses. You were taught not to fall for the line, "I have __(name of illness)__ and sex makes it feel better, so I need sex or I will get really sick." Well, newsflash, PEOPLE HAVE LIED TO YOU!
SEX CAN DEFINITELY HELP TREAT CERTAIN ILLNESSES! This is documented medical fact. Now, I won't tell you what these illnesses are. You may already have one of them or you may not. Either way, you have to do the research. The only thing I will say to help is that even if you do not have one of those illnesses, sex causes you to release endorphins and endorphins are amazing painkillers. You do the math on that one. Oh yeah, I should probably offer a second piece of helpful advice. Don't use any type of an illness that is sexually transmitted. That would just be stupid. And remember, people respect creativity. Even if you are caught in the lie, if you were creative about it and if you had set your sights on a partner you have a chance with, you may still get laid. Everyone likes a good joke...just be sure to spin it that way if you are caught.
Now, I know some of you are reading this and getting annoyed that I would suggest people use deception and trickery to get people into bed. Before I give my full opinion of the issue, let me pose the questions. Please comment and be as blunt as you want:
-If you had an illness that could be improved in some way by having sex, would you tell a potential partner about it, in the hopes of getting that person into bed?
-If you don't have an illness that could be improved in some way by having sex, would you ever lie and say you did have one of those SPECIFIC illnesses, just to get someone into bed?
-Would you ever creatively twist the health benefits of sex in order to lure a partner into bed?
I'll be honest...been there, done that. Ladies, listen up. Certain hormone imbalances can be seriously helped by having sex. Your body releases hormones during sex. Sometimes that jolt is enough to balance out whatever issue you are having. Regularly having that jolt can even just about fix the problem. Sure you won't be able to regulate the hormones on your own (there actually can be differences between hormones released during sex and hormones released during masturbation), but if having sex on a regular basis is what the doctor orders, who are you to question a prescription? Besides, would you prefer a solid shag or taking a pill? Shag please! Just make sure you can get a steady fix...if your boyfriend claims to not be a machine (ha, of course he's a machine), then maybe you need some "sex supplements". Think of your boyfriend as medicine and all other partners as "vitamins". Vitamins are good for you. If you don't take them at the same time as the medicine, you will never have a poisonous interaction. I was dumb enough to believe my ex wasn't a "machine". Turns out, he was a tool, with a rather tiny tool. Since then, I am all about big machines with lots of power behind them. Otherwise, I may fall very ill. ;-)
Let me know if this helps you at all this week. If it doesn't, don't get too discouraged. I will be offering many different simple ways to get laid over the next week. For those of you who will need two weeks, the second week of advice will be slightly more complicated, but definitely will guarantee that your face will look like this :-O.
Show me your "OOOOOOO" face,
Evil Temptress
Friday, May 14, 2010
"I Focus On The Pain..."
Shockingly enough, I've had sex on the brain all day. I can't stop imagining f*cking this guy, who I will refer to as "Rocky". He is probably one of the few people I have met who likes the same weird shit I like. We both like pain. We both view sparring or wrestling as foreplay. Biting is a must! He enjoys dominating and I enjoy being controlled. In a nutshell, it's weird and many people would hate it, but we love it. If you slam me up against a wall and by the end of everything, I am covered in bruises and scratches, then I will probably worship you like a god.
Now that I've been brutally honest, it's your turn to answer the question:
-What weird sexual fetishes or desires do you have? Be specific. The weirder, the better. You can be a lady/gentleman on the street and a freak in the sheets.
Also, the whole concept of what constitutes sex has recently been called into question by some people I know. It actually seems like there may be a gender divide on the next question. Please make sure you tell us your gender. I want to make some graphs, people! It is time we conclusively answer these questions and help the sexes to understand each other:
-Is oral sex actually sex? Which is more personal, sex or oral sex? Considering your views on which is more or less personal, which of those are you more willing to do first with a new partner?
Because I slacked off on answering yesterday's questions (the thoughts of being slammed up against a wall were really distracting me), I'll go ahead and answer the oral sex vs. sex question too. My personal motto is, "Caring is sharing, but sucking ain't fucking." I have always preferred sex to oral sex, but that's partially because I am a penetration junkie and partially because I hate the way cum feels in my mouth (that is, until I've had about a quart of sangria). I like sucking a guy off because I know he enjoys it and because everything about his body and the sounds he is making shows he likes it, but inevitably, guys will try to convince you to swallow and that just grosses me out. I'm always more willing to have sex first. Also, because I am not the biggest fan of guy cum (let's face it, girl cum does not taste nearly that bad), I actually have to have feelings for a guy if I'm going to let him cum in my mouth. That makes it more personal. For sex, I just have to be horny and think that a guy will be decent in bed (or at the very least, horny, very drunk, and find the guy very attractive). Ok, I spilled the scary inner-workings of my evil genius brain. Your turn. Do it! Now! Don't make me come slam you against the wall!
Being slammed in fantasy land,
Evil Temptress
Now that I've been brutally honest, it's your turn to answer the question:
-What weird sexual fetishes or desires do you have? Be specific. The weirder, the better. You can be a lady/gentleman on the street and a freak in the sheets.
Also, the whole concept of what constitutes sex has recently been called into question by some people I know. It actually seems like there may be a gender divide on the next question. Please make sure you tell us your gender. I want to make some graphs, people! It is time we conclusively answer these questions and help the sexes to understand each other:
-Is oral sex actually sex? Which is more personal, sex or oral sex? Considering your views on which is more or less personal, which of those are you more willing to do first with a new partner?
Because I slacked off on answering yesterday's questions (the thoughts of being slammed up against a wall were really distracting me), I'll go ahead and answer the oral sex vs. sex question too. My personal motto is, "Caring is sharing, but sucking ain't fucking." I have always preferred sex to oral sex, but that's partially because I am a penetration junkie and partially because I hate the way cum feels in my mouth (that is, until I've had about a quart of sangria). I like sucking a guy off because I know he enjoys it and because everything about his body and the sounds he is making shows he likes it, but inevitably, guys will try to convince you to swallow and that just grosses me out. I'm always more willing to have sex first. Also, because I am not the biggest fan of guy cum (let's face it, girl cum does not taste nearly that bad), I actually have to have feelings for a guy if I'm going to let him cum in my mouth. That makes it more personal. For sex, I just have to be horny and think that a guy will be decent in bed (or at the very least, horny, very drunk, and find the guy very attractive). Ok, I spilled the scary inner-workings of my evil genius brain. Your turn. Do it! Now! Don't make me come slam you against the wall!
Being slammed in fantasy land,
Evil Temptress
Thursday, May 13, 2010
You and Me, Baby, Ain't Nothin' But Mammals...
Twinkie and I were out one night at a bar that is decorated with tons of stuffed animals (think taxidermy, not Care Bears). Somehow, and I no longer even remember how, we arrived at a morality question:
-If you were to bang one of the stuffed animals (think taxidermy), which would be the bigger sin, necrophilia or beastiality?
Now, you can go ahead and post your answers to that question in its original form, or you can continue reading about the evolution of this question...yes, questions can be both creationist and evolutionary.
After much debate and many embarassed faces of people who attempted to sputter out answers, a wise man added a new level to this question that really increased its complexity (haha...take that Bloom).
-If you were to bang a stuffed animal (think taxidermy) that had been killed and stuffed when it was a child (think kid, joey, cub, etc.), which would be the biggest sin, necrophilia, beastiality, or pedophilia?
I believe this question may have evolved even further at some point, but I do not want anyone's head to explode just yet (think cranium...not the other head). Go ahead and post your thoughts. Also, if you have an interesting way to improve the question, please tell us. Challenge us, damnit!
Gropes and kisses,
Evil Temptress
-If you were to bang one of the stuffed animals (think taxidermy), which would be the bigger sin, necrophilia or beastiality?
Now, you can go ahead and post your answers to that question in its original form, or you can continue reading about the evolution of this question...yes, questions can be both creationist and evolutionary.
After much debate and many embarassed faces of people who attempted to sputter out answers, a wise man added a new level to this question that really increased its complexity (haha...take that Bloom).
-If you were to bang a stuffed animal (think taxidermy) that had been killed and stuffed when it was a child (think kid, joey, cub, etc.), which would be the biggest sin, necrophilia, beastiality, or pedophilia?
I believe this question may have evolved even further at some point, but I do not want anyone's head to explode just yet (think cranium...not the other head). Go ahead and post your thoughts. Also, if you have an interesting way to improve the question, please tell us. Challenge us, damnit!
Gropes and kisses,
Evil Temptress
Dead Hooker Storage?
Hey everyone! Welcome to what will hopefully become one of the most offensive blogs on the web. You may have noticed the interesting name...in fact that is probably what caught your attention and sent you frantically clicking to get here. Sorry to disappoint you, but you cannot store your dead hookers on this website (faxing people through wormholes and Wonkavision have not been invented yet...as far as I know). You can, however, voice your real opinions about the questions that will constantly be posted here. Please make sure to give yourself a clever nickname, though. You wouldn't want your real thoughts to catch up with you and cause you to be fired from a job (for example, people are uncomfortable with knowing that teachers are real adults with real adult needs and thoughts).
So, why is this blog called Dead Hooker Storage? Well, Dead Hooker Storage is the awesomest, dirtiest, and most clever trivia team in the history of Trivia Kings (even though most of us also play kickball on a team known as the Shockers, that blog name was already taken). We're probably the team most in need of psychiatric help. As most teams do their best to focus on the perfectly normal trivia questions or kickball games, our minds wander and create some odd questions that most people are too embarassed to answer. Let's face it, most people do not really want to be connected to the sick shit going on in their heads. So, on this blog, all answers must be submitted either anonymously or with really good nicknames. We don't want to know who you are. We want to be impressed by how twisted the world really is. And, maybe, we want to get some good ideas to use behind closed doors (or in parking garages, changing rooms, offices, synagogues, churches, libraries, under the boardwalk...and then for wherever we go the next day).
**Warning: While most questions will be shockers, some will actually be tame. Aaaaaagggghhhhh! When tame questions happen, do not be alarmed. It is perfectly natural. We must all pass down the wisdom of the ages. Inform the less informed (and enjoy your cradle robbing or cougar experiences much more down the line).
Please enjoy your experience on Dead Hooker Storage. Reading and posting is encouraged! We want this experience to be as hands-on as you'd like. ;-)
So, why is this blog called Dead Hooker Storage? Well, Dead Hooker Storage is the awesomest, dirtiest, and most clever trivia team in the history of Trivia Kings (even though most of us also play kickball on a team known as the Shockers, that blog name was already taken). We're probably the team most in need of psychiatric help. As most teams do their best to focus on the perfectly normal trivia questions or kickball games, our minds wander and create some odd questions that most people are too embarassed to answer. Let's face it, most people do not really want to be connected to the sick shit going on in their heads. So, on this blog, all answers must be submitted either anonymously or with really good nicknames. We don't want to know who you are. We want to be impressed by how twisted the world really is. And, maybe, we want to get some good ideas to use behind closed doors (or in parking garages, changing rooms, offices, synagogues, churches, libraries, under the boardwalk...and then for wherever we go the next day).
**Warning: While most questions will be shockers, some will actually be tame. Aaaaaagggghhhhh! When tame questions happen, do not be alarmed. It is perfectly natural. We must all pass down the wisdom of the ages. Inform the less informed (and enjoy your cradle robbing or cougar experiences much more down the line).
Please enjoy your experience on Dead Hooker Storage. Reading and posting is encouraged! We want this experience to be as hands-on as you'd like. ;-)
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